I wanted to inscribe about him but the other side of me said I shouldn’t.
The ‘him’ that I am talking about is another-someone-from-my-past. He thought me the meaning of love. I was only 17 when I met him. He was then a successful career man, huge big smile and a very funny man. We get along well and things started to heat up between us.
I still remember when I got my SPM result; he came to my house with a bouquet of roses. We used to exchange so-called-love notes and I was on my top of the world. It was such a beautiful relationship and my world is encircled around him.
When I got admitted to one of the local college, he was so worried that I will fall for someone much younger than him. Yes, I met few guys along the way but it has never stopped me from loving him. He understands me more than anybody else.
Loves faded, time flies and soon I realized that we spend less time together. During semester break I will spend my time in KL with my friends and I realized that the age barrier between me and him was one of the reasons why he can never understand my needs.
But the real reason was the love has faded away, I have more male friends than before, and I have more reasons to be demanding. He on the other hands doesn’t seem to care anymore. He favored to be with someone around his age while I loathe being in the centre of a group of older man. We sang a different melody, we dance a different cadence.
When I came back to Kuantan, I heard rumors about him going out with someone else but I decided not to believe. I did express my concern to him but he assured me that he can never lay an eye on another girl. I was young, I was naïve and I trusted him.
I was on holiday and I was due to meet him. Last minute, he cancelled our date and promised to call me later in the evening. I tried to call his cell phone but he switched it off. It was around 1 am, when I decided to call him demanding for an explanation. His phone rang, I got excited. Someone picked up the phone. I recognized that sleepy voice!
That night I wrote him a 10 pages letter, pouring my heart out, not a single tear the night I decided to end my 4 years relationship with him. The next morning, I went to his office, I left his birthday card and my 10 pages letter. It was the end of it. I won’t turn back. I have made up my mind. It’s for the best. I was forced to choose. I choose to end the misery; I don’t want to be hurt. The thought of losing him was so much to bear but I didn’t cry. His betrayal has made me tougher.
I didn’t receive any phone calls from him since the incident. Deep down I was eager to know the reason why but I was too ego to admit. On the other side, I was thankful because I ended it. It was just a matter of time as my family member never approved our relationship.
Few days after the breakup, I accidentally bumped into him. I was having tea with Uya in Taman Gelora. I wanted to get something in the car and I didn’t realize that he parked his car next to mine. I walked straight to my car, take the tissue box out and as I was about to close the door, then only I realized that someone is staring at me. The face that I was long to see, the man that I was once so much in love with (at that point of time I think I still love him). I look at him, I wanted to say something, but I turned away when I realized that he wasn’t alone.
I was shaking, trying to control my emotions and whatever feeling that is left in me. Uya managed to calm me down and act normal. He drove his car and parked exactly in front of where we sat. I turned my back against them and still shaking. I do not know how long they sat there watching me but I remember going home crying.
A month after the incident he rang me. He wanted to see me and clear things up. He said he misses me and it was a huge mistake. He kept on calling me and begging me. We finally met; he looked different, haggard and older. The meeting was full of surprises and he confessed. He has been seeing her behind my back for the last one year. He said he was lonely. And the best part is I knew her. I was so fool and blinded by her sweet gestures. I thought she was honest and he has betrayed my trust.
I stand firm by my decision. It was one of the hardest and I cried, cried and cried. I can never look at him that way I did 4 years ago. I can never forgive him. I can never love him as much as I love him before. He stabbed me from behind. I was loyal to him even though he knew I had a choice. Both of us cried, he cried because he is not able to convince me, while I cried because I am about to loose him for good. It took me months to get over him. He came and see me couple of times trying to persuade me but I stick to my decision.
6 months later, I moved to KL. I heard that he actually marry her. Once a while when I am back home I will give him a call. We met once in KL. He did try to win my heart back but he was far too late. I sent him my wedding invitation card, he promised to come but never turned up.
Two months after my father passed away, I called his office. According to his staff, he is on medical leave because of heart problem. I called his cell phone straight away. He told me that he had the 1st heart attack about a month ago. He was in coma and during the same time he had another heart attack. Jokingly, I told him that God is giving him the signal, to slow down and to repent. I told him, he may survive the 1st and the 2nd heart attack, but he may not survive the 3rd attack. I told him he still has time to ask for God’s forgiveness. He laughed at me and said he is now a different man.
It was early September 2005; I was due to attend my job interview in Rawang for the post in the branch office in Kuantan. I received a phone call from a friend in Kuantan informing me about the passing of ‘him’. Just about a week ago I spoke to him, we laughed while reminiscing our good old days together. He assured me that he was ok and recovering. I can still recall my last few words to him and when I told him he may not survived the 3rd attack. He died after the 3rd heart attack. I felt numb. He was once, someone so dear to me, someone so close to my heart.
I went to pay the wife, that girl a visit. She was devastated as she is not working and fully depended on his income. She is not sure how to support herself and their 2 small children. She said she is not able to live without him. He was her world. I felt sorry for her. They have got 2 small kids that resemble so much like him, and to my surprised one of them were named after me. I don’t think the wife realized the name was similar to mine (I knew that name well because he said if we were to get married he will named our girl with that name.)
Recently, after 3 years I bumped into his wife. She looked happy in the arm of another man. She probably didn’t notice me or pretended that she didn’t know me. It was that face, and that voice. The sleepy voice that answer the phone the night I called him. And his kids were there, looking at them, as if I was looking at him. They look so much alike.
And suddenly, I felt a twist in my stomach, I wonder whether she still pray for him, I wonder whether she still recites Yassin for him, I wonder whether she still visit his grave, I wonder whether the children still remember what a great father he was. I wonder whether she still remembers him, I wonder whether she is over her grief.
I can’t just stop wondering and I can still remember the song that he always sang to me, Baby … you look wonderful tonight.
Note:
On a different occasion, I am happily married. I am blessed with a wonderful husband from Mars, still so much in love with each other since the day we said ‘saya terima’. This year we will be celebrating our 4th year anniversary, and still counting for our years together.
On the other, ‘Him’ is just another-someone-from-my-past whom still to this very day has a special place in my heart. May his soul rest in peace and may God give him forgiveness for all our deficiency, his imperfection throughout his years of living. Al Fatihah.
The ‘him’ that I am talking about is another-someone-from-my-past. He thought me the meaning of love. I was only 17 when I met him. He was then a successful career man, huge big smile and a very funny man. We get along well and things started to heat up between us.
I still remember when I got my SPM result; he came to my house with a bouquet of roses. We used to exchange so-called-love notes and I was on my top of the world. It was such a beautiful relationship and my world is encircled around him.
When I got admitted to one of the local college, he was so worried that I will fall for someone much younger than him. Yes, I met few guys along the way but it has never stopped me from loving him. He understands me more than anybody else.
Loves faded, time flies and soon I realized that we spend less time together. During semester break I will spend my time in KL with my friends and I realized that the age barrier between me and him was one of the reasons why he can never understand my needs.
But the real reason was the love has faded away, I have more male friends than before, and I have more reasons to be demanding. He on the other hands doesn’t seem to care anymore. He favored to be with someone around his age while I loathe being in the centre of a group of older man. We sang a different melody, we dance a different cadence.
When I came back to Kuantan, I heard rumors about him going out with someone else but I decided not to believe. I did express my concern to him but he assured me that he can never lay an eye on another girl. I was young, I was naïve and I trusted him.
I was on holiday and I was due to meet him. Last minute, he cancelled our date and promised to call me later in the evening. I tried to call his cell phone but he switched it off. It was around 1 am, when I decided to call him demanding for an explanation. His phone rang, I got excited. Someone picked up the phone. I recognized that sleepy voice!
That night I wrote him a 10 pages letter, pouring my heart out, not a single tear the night I decided to end my 4 years relationship with him. The next morning, I went to his office, I left his birthday card and my 10 pages letter. It was the end of it. I won’t turn back. I have made up my mind. It’s for the best. I was forced to choose. I choose to end the misery; I don’t want to be hurt. The thought of losing him was so much to bear but I didn’t cry. His betrayal has made me tougher.
I didn’t receive any phone calls from him since the incident. Deep down I was eager to know the reason why but I was too ego to admit. On the other side, I was thankful because I ended it. It was just a matter of time as my family member never approved our relationship.
Few days after the breakup, I accidentally bumped into him. I was having tea with Uya in Taman Gelora. I wanted to get something in the car and I didn’t realize that he parked his car next to mine. I walked straight to my car, take the tissue box out and as I was about to close the door, then only I realized that someone is staring at me. The face that I was long to see, the man that I was once so much in love with (at that point of time I think I still love him). I look at him, I wanted to say something, but I turned away when I realized that he wasn’t alone.
I was shaking, trying to control my emotions and whatever feeling that is left in me. Uya managed to calm me down and act normal. He drove his car and parked exactly in front of where we sat. I turned my back against them and still shaking. I do not know how long they sat there watching me but I remember going home crying.
A month after the incident he rang me. He wanted to see me and clear things up. He said he misses me and it was a huge mistake. He kept on calling me and begging me. We finally met; he looked different, haggard and older. The meeting was full of surprises and he confessed. He has been seeing her behind my back for the last one year. He said he was lonely. And the best part is I knew her. I was so fool and blinded by her sweet gestures. I thought she was honest and he has betrayed my trust.
I stand firm by my decision. It was one of the hardest and I cried, cried and cried. I can never look at him that way I did 4 years ago. I can never forgive him. I can never love him as much as I love him before. He stabbed me from behind. I was loyal to him even though he knew I had a choice. Both of us cried, he cried because he is not able to convince me, while I cried because I am about to loose him for good. It took me months to get over him. He came and see me couple of times trying to persuade me but I stick to my decision.
6 months later, I moved to KL. I heard that he actually marry her. Once a while when I am back home I will give him a call. We met once in KL. He did try to win my heart back but he was far too late. I sent him my wedding invitation card, he promised to come but never turned up.
Two months after my father passed away, I called his office. According to his staff, he is on medical leave because of heart problem. I called his cell phone straight away. He told me that he had the 1st heart attack about a month ago. He was in coma and during the same time he had another heart attack. Jokingly, I told him that God is giving him the signal, to slow down and to repent. I told him, he may survive the 1st and the 2nd heart attack, but he may not survive the 3rd attack. I told him he still has time to ask for God’s forgiveness. He laughed at me and said he is now a different man.
It was early September 2005; I was due to attend my job interview in Rawang for the post in the branch office in Kuantan. I received a phone call from a friend in Kuantan informing me about the passing of ‘him’. Just about a week ago I spoke to him, we laughed while reminiscing our good old days together. He assured me that he was ok and recovering. I can still recall my last few words to him and when I told him he may not survived the 3rd attack. He died after the 3rd heart attack. I felt numb. He was once, someone so dear to me, someone so close to my heart.
I went to pay the wife, that girl a visit. She was devastated as she is not working and fully depended on his income. She is not sure how to support herself and their 2 small children. She said she is not able to live without him. He was her world. I felt sorry for her. They have got 2 small kids that resemble so much like him, and to my surprised one of them were named after me. I don’t think the wife realized the name was similar to mine (I knew that name well because he said if we were to get married he will named our girl with that name.)
Recently, after 3 years I bumped into his wife. She looked happy in the arm of another man. She probably didn’t notice me or pretended that she didn’t know me. It was that face, and that voice. The sleepy voice that answer the phone the night I called him. And his kids were there, looking at them, as if I was looking at him. They look so much alike.
And suddenly, I felt a twist in my stomach, I wonder whether she still pray for him, I wonder whether she still recites Yassin for him, I wonder whether she still visit his grave, I wonder whether the children still remember what a great father he was. I wonder whether she still remembers him, I wonder whether she is over her grief.
I can’t just stop wondering and I can still remember the song that he always sang to me, Baby … you look wonderful tonight.
Note:
On a different occasion, I am happily married. I am blessed with a wonderful husband from Mars, still so much in love with each other since the day we said ‘saya terima’. This year we will be celebrating our 4th year anniversary, and still counting for our years together.
On the other, ‘Him’ is just another-someone-from-my-past whom still to this very day has a special place in my heart. May his soul rest in peace and may God give him forgiveness for all our deficiency, his imperfection throughout his years of living. Al Fatihah.
